Someone Get That Girl a Corndog, STAT!!!

So I was on Pinterest today, which is one of my new favorite websites to go on. Anyway, I came across this pin that was probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. Here it is:

Wrong. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! That is such bullshit. I have been both skinny and chunker (just ask Katie about my triple chin 'fat Kristin' years) for my size so I feel like I'm in a good position to call bullshit on this pin. First of all, there are lots of things that taste better than skinny feels. Lots. Shall we name a few?! Brownies, ice cream, bread, pasta, peanut butter balls, cheese, pepperoni, tacos, any breakfast food. I could go on and on. Second, did you look at the girl in the picture?! Whoever thinks they are going to be able to look like that (and thinks it looks good) is delusional. My thighs haven't been that thin since I was 3 months old, and I am completely OK with that. I don't need to wear a little bikini to the beach, I'm perfectly happy in my skirt bathing suit. She looks anorexic. This is like the poster-pin for the FATS (Future Anorexic Teenager Society). Wouldn't it be hilarious if there was actually a group called the FATS?! I may have to try to start one. hehe. OK, off topic. I just can't get over how someone would look at this and honestly find motivation in it without making themselves feel like crap. Obviously you are never going to look like her. She is barely a real person! Whatever happened to feeling comfortable in your own body and having a positive self image? What happened to exercising and eating right (not that I eat right at all) to get to your own personal ideal body weight? All I have to say is that whoever came up with this phrase obviously has never had a peppermint chocolate chip milkshake from Chick-fil-A.

Funny Story

As a pre-story to my funny story I have to tell you that we have been kind of doing baby sign language with Alexa and really the only sign that she's picked up on (and obviously the only sign that we have done consistantly) is "all done". Although she does it by throwing her hands up in the air and sometimes wiggling her fingers. She is very proud of herself that she can communicate and tells us that she is all done after every time that she eats.

OK, so Lexi and I were in the mall and we went into a handicapped stall in the bathroom in Macy's so I could bring her stroller into the stall with me when I pee. She was facing me and as I was buttoning my pants I looked over at her. Miss Lexi Lynn was sitting in her stroller with her arms up in the air, mouth wide open smililng and fingers wiggling. Yes, I was all done.

It's a Child!!!

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime in the past month, Alexa has changed from a baby into a little girl. Kind of sad. Look at her! She is like a child! A child with teeth! (She now has two on the bottom, two half way in on the top and another one trying to poke through on the top) Anyway, Alexa and I went to Orlando this past weekend. It was the first time we went somewhere overnight without Nick (he was not happy about it) and my mom met us there. We went shopping and well, went shopping some more. Alexa saw Santa at Downtown Disney! She hated him. Actually, she waved and said hi to him from far away but was terrified when we got up close. But she did like the booklet of movie listings on ABC Family that they gave us on our way out. Books are kind of her thing now. Along with phones. She still talks on the phone any chance she gets and she even does a fake laugh every now and then which I think is hilarious. Mom brought us the non-jogging stroller that she got at a garage sale. I've decided to call it the non-jogging stroller because it is really nice until you start actually jogging with it. At that point it starts shaking like crazy which kind of defeats the whole purpose of it being a jogging stroller. Apparently it was working fine at the garage sale and then my dad started messing with it. So pretty much, it's his fault and he needs to fix it when they all come up for Christmas. Anyway, back to our trip. Alexa liked to walk every now and then and she loved to help push the stroller. She also enjoyed the occasional bird chase through the outlet mall. (please excuse my butt in that picture...I didn't realize how bad those jeans look :/) We also went to Celebration to see the Christmas stuff. Alexa had fun looking at the lights, dancing to the live music and she especially liked the snow! And by snow, I mean soap bubbles that then settle on the ground making a slimy, dirty layer of nasty that some other random children were making 'snow' angels in. Face down. Obviously not future Harvard Alumni. Does anyone else find it an oxymoron to say that soap is dirty? Well, in this case, it was. All in all, it was a good weekend. We came back Sunday morning, I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights and my house is an absolute mess so lots to do tomorrow. Plus I have gotten ZERO Christmas shopping done so lots to do on Friday too. We shall see how much actually gets accomplished.

How many people does it take to get a baby out of a locked car?

Six. Myself, Alexa's teacher, two sheriff deputies, one captain and a lock smith. Yeah, I locked my kid in the car. On accident. Obviously. I had picked Alexa up from day care and she was 'helping' by holding onto my keys. As I was putting her into the car seat she started pressing the buttons on the car keys so I made a comment that was something like 'OK, that's enough with the keys' and took them from her and tossed them into the front seat. I finished buckling her in, got everything situated in the back and closed her door. I tried to open my door and realized that she had pressed the lock button. Oh. Crappers. Of course I ran around the whole car trying all the doors and none of them worked (surprise, surprise) then I tried the trunk because I had just gotten diapers out of there. Perhaps it didn't latch all the way...no such luck. At this point I think it sunk in and I started mildly freaking out. So, I went back into the day care and told them what I did. Everyone was super helpful. One of Alexa's teachers got on the phone with the police station and told them the situation and apparently they were going to send someone right over. OK, so ten minutes later, her teacher and I are still standing outside my car waiting for (and now trash talking) the police guy who was supposedly on his way. Did I mention that the sheriff's office is approximately 2 minutes down the road? No exaggeration. Oh! And when Lexi's teacher was on the phone with the dispatch person they were asking her all these ridiculous questions like: Did you try all the doors? and Are the windows open? Really, people. Do you honestly think we would be calling you if the window was open and I was just able to reach in and unlock the door myself? Anyway, finally, after apparently finishing his lunch, a sheriff deputy showed up. He explained how they are no longer allowed to open cars due to liability reasons (what?! fine, then why are you here?) and he came over to make sure that it wasn't an emergency. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that a baby locked in a car was something that we can all take our time on. No worries. She's fine in there buckled in the car seat with nothing to play with, peeing all through her diaper and breathing in all of her exhaled CO2 as the oxygen level in the car is being slowly but surely depleted. I'm sure she's becoming more and more acidotic as we speak. And if that child looks the least bit lethargic I'm breaking the window. OK, so I didn't say any of that...but I was thinking it. What I did say was that if she was in any distress that window would have been broken ten minutes ago. (meanwhile, Alexa is sitting in her car seat clapping her hands and waving at her teacher) So, long story short(ish), dispatch had called a locksmith, the sheriff department captain showed up to make sure everything was OK. The locksmith was about two minutes behind him, and all of a sudden there were five people surrounding the car trying to get the door open. Lexi's teacher was talking to her and clapping hands, the first cop was on the passenger side doing God knows what, the locksmith was doing his thing on the drivers door, the captain was "helping" the locksmith (and by helping, I mean totally screwing him up) and I was at the hood of the car watching what the locksmith was doing (what? I've never seen someone break into a car before, I was interested in the process!). At this point, all I could think of was the reality show/sitcom that should be based on my family and that this whole scenario would totally be a whole episode! Katie thinks that our family would be perfect for a reality tv show and every so often when something like this happens I think of how it would be on an episode. Kind of strange, but very entertaining. So back to the car...I'm thinking of all this while they are trying to pry my door open and trying my hardest not to laugh. It would be inappropriate. I think I did pretty good although I did have to put my head down and chuckle a few times. They finally got the door open just as the third cop got there (you know, just to make sure everything was alright. It takes them awhile to respond, but eventually, a baby locked in a car is big news to the Wakulla County Sheriff's department.) Alexa was fine, she only cried a little bit when she saw me and couldn't get to me (one of the reasons why I was at the hood and her teacher was talking to her). She had peed through her diaper and onto her car seat but no signs of respiratory acidosis. (One of) the best parts of this story was me telling Nick later on. I didn't call him when it happened because, really, what's the point? He didn't have a spare key, there was nothing that he could have done. (Small back story: the day before when he got home from work I asked him to choose good news or bad news. The bad news was that I dropped a stocking holder on the floor which made a gash in the wood and the good news was that I had a list of things for him to do (what? It was good news to me.)) So the conversation went something like this:

Me: Good news or bad news first?

Nick: Is there actually good news today because a list of things to do is not good news.

Me: Oh no, there's good news. The good news is that she's ok.

Nick: What's the bad news?

Me: I locked Alexa in the car today. (at this point, he silently turned around, walked into our bedroom and closed the door)

Hehehe. No worries, he came out a few minutes later, and after hearing my (obviously, drawn out) explanation, reassured me that it was an accident and could have happened to anyone. He's so nice. Then he proceeded to tell me that I should have called him because he would have come right over and broken the window to get her out. And that is reason #1 why I didn't call him. So, there are 2 morals to this story. #1: have a spare key. #2: hold onto your keys when putting your baby in the car because she just might press the lock button and then you just might throw the keys into the front seat and then you just might close the door without realizing that she had actually pressed the lock button locking her and your keys in the car. It just might happen.

The Fair, Socks and Shit

Do you like my new background?! I know, it's the middle of November and I'm already putting up Christmas stuff. Well, guess what? My house is decorated too! Besides, Christmas is awesome and Thanksgiving is kind of dumb. I mean, I appreciate the concept of being thankful and everything but I'm not a big fan of the food. Stuffing is awesome and potatoes and deserts are equally awesome but I'm not the biggest fan of turkey. And everything always seems to have nuts in it...I don't like nuts. Plus, I feel like Christmas time is so wonderful and the whole idea of not being able to decorate and listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving totally cuts down the potential Christmas time. I celebrate Christmas stuff starting November 1st. That's right, I'm one of those people. My Halloween stuff comes down and my Christmas stuff goes right up. I currently have Christmas music CDs in my car that Alexa and I listen to. That's right, you're jealous.

OK, so onto the actual point of this post. These past few weeks have been pretty eventful. One of my old dance students, Katie, came up to visit. We went to the fair and took Alexa into the petting zoo area. I'm not really sure if she liked it or not. I think she was in awe the whole time. She did like the chickens and roosters, though. Of course.

Like my outfit? We went right after dance and it was kind of cold outside. Nick said I looked ridiculous...especially with my Minnie mouse bag. I told him not to be so jealous.

Alexa is walking a lot more. Like, a lot. She does laps all over the house and she even started a little bit of a run, especially when she's holding some one's hand. The only problem is that apparently she only walks around us or somewhere that she feels really comfortable because she doesn't walk at daycare. When I went to go pick her up the other day they were all excited because she took 5 steps. Big deal. Oh well, I guess I should be happy that she is getting comfortable enough at day care to show them her walking skills. Our new word of the week is "sock". She says it when she wants to, which is never when anyone else is listening. But Nick, Katie and Brandi heard her say it so I have witnesses! We have worked on saying "shoe" as well because she keeps pursing her lips and making shhh noises, but whenever she actually tries to say it, it sounds like she's saying shit. Awesome. (I actually think it's pretty funny, but my mom won't) I have this little big bellied toddler walking around the house saying shit! hehehe. You can't tell me that's not even just a little bit funny!

Does a Bear Shit in the Woods?

That's always been the assumption but I bet if I looked in the woods around my house I could answer that question once and for all. That's right, we have a bear. Nick called me at work and told me that he was taking the dogs out at night and saw a bear. We have halogen lights in the back that have motion sensors on them. We always go out there and check for creatures first before taking the dogs out and (thank God) we always keep them close to us. So I guess he checked and everything, he was standing outside with them and he looked up and saw a bear standing about 30 feet away from him! So after he just about crapped his pants, he picked up Minnie and Wolfie (who don't walk as well or listen as well) and told Glynnis to go inside and backed away toward the house. The bear ran into the woods when he started backing away. OK, so he calls me at work and tells me all this. Completely freaks me out. The next night I was at home so we both took them out. As I was watching the side of the house near the driveway I saw the bear run down the entire tree line and into the woods. HOLY SHIT! This is no little bitty bear either. I'm talking about a 250-300 pound bear. No exaggeration! By the way, I forgot to say that the first night was right before garbage day so our can was out by the street and the bear had knocked over the can and pulled garbage out into the woods. Nick cleaned it all up when he saw it the next morning but it just means that he's been roaming all over our property which is 5 acres! OK, so at this point we had to do something about the bear. I named him Barney and then decided that I should only name things that I like so that was pointless. Nick did something a little more productive and called the Florida Wildlife people. He told them about how close the bear got, the garbage episode, our little 10 pound dogs, the fact that we have a 12 month old, etc, etc, etc. And what did the guy on the phone say?! "Well that's what you get for living in bear country" WHAT?! Are you freaking kidding me!? No talk about trapping the bear or anything like that. He said that he would send us a bear package in the mail with a coloring book in it. First of all, my kid just turned 1. She doesn't color yet, you dumb ass. Secondly, do your job and come get this bear out of my yard! I told my friend, Denise, about all this and she couldn't believe it. She said that we practically live in downtown Crawfordville! hahahaha! I'm sorry, anyone who has been to Crawfordville knows that that statement in itself is pretty humerus! We got this "package" the other day and it's a pamphlet and the coloring book that talk all about how lucky we are to live near bears and that we need to appreciate them, blah blah blah. You know what it made me realize? I now know that bears are tied with snakes at the number four spot of things I think should be extinct. They are right below roaches, toads and alligators.

It has now been two weeks since the bear sightings. We haven't had any more issues with our can on garbage day and there's no other sign of him around. We have installed super flood lights that are even brighter then the ones we previously had and Nick brings his gun when we take the dogs out at night, just in case. Let's just all hope that the bear stays away!

Disney and such

I know you have been anxiously awaiting to hear about my exciting life, but you see, I couldn't post anything because for the past week I've been on my deathbed. OK, small exaggeration. It was 5 days with the stomach flu. But Nick told me today that he had never seen me so sick (and he's known me for 16 years, so I was pretty sick). My point...there will be a couple of back to back posts to catch up on what's been happening.

First of all we went to Orlando last weekend to meet up with my parents. It was Katie's birthday so we kicked her out of her apartment and took over for the weekend. She doesn't like her birthday anyways, right Katie?! (Sorry about that) On Saturday we took Alexa to Magic Kingdom. I would put a super cute picture of her smiling and enjoying herself but there isn't one. She wasn't necessarily miserable all day...but I think she didn't know what to make of everything. There were a lot of people there, she met Minnie and Mickey for the first time, she went on a ride, went in the Tiki Room. That's a lot to take in. So her face all day was pretty, well, neutral.See? She just didn't know what to think. Other then her confusion at the large stuffed mice, she had a great weekend! We mainly just hung out, ate, got her pictures taken. Typical stuff that we do. She walked a lot by herself which has started a major walking trend. I decided that I was done counting how many steps she took when a few days ago, I got up to 23. We're just going to go ahead and say that she's walking. But she'll only do it when and where she's comfortable. Which means in her room and outside on the grass. Other places she will hold some one's hand and walk but she won't take those long strolls by herself anywhere else yet.

What else? Oh, her cute and healthy obsession with phones is turning ridiculous. Everything is a phone now and if she sees a phone or someone on a phone she wants it. Oh, and on a related and equally not so cute topic, she now hates the word "no".

One more thing! Alexa started talking!!! Well, kind of. She now says (or kind of says) the following words: Dada, Mama, Rachel (her doll), Jennie (my doll), hi, bye, yeah, ball, doggie, Wolfie (for some reason, Wolfie is 'Wolfie' and the girls are 'doggie'), bottle (have I talked about the weird obsession with water bottles? Who would have ever thought a water bottle could be so entertaining!), and book. OK, so maybe some of them are babbles that just happen to sound kind of like the thing that she's pointing to but whatever, she's close! And the first 8 words she definitely says, for sure. By the way, we are quickly going to change 'yeah' to 'yes'. OK, that's about enough blogging for now, I need to go to sleep. Still recovering from the illness. Seriously! I contemplated going to the ER!!! No joke...