How To Pack A Car (Alone) With 2 Children In 27 Easy Steps

1- A week before your trip, make multiple lists for every possible item you may need. 

2- Spend every spare moment you have in that preceding week packing the bags and making new lists.

3- The night before you leave, collect your bags by the door and double check your packing skills.  Make a new list of last minute items to be packed in the morning and have yet another bag ready for those things.

4- The morning of your trip, wake up, get the children up and (referring to your final list) pack your last bag.  Go ahead and feel really good about yourself right now and take a moment to let that feeling sink in because this will be your best parenting moment of the day.  Please notice that your best parenting moment did not include children. 

5- Try to take the dog out and realize that it's starting to rain.  Well crap.  You will then have to pick the dog up and put her in the grass because she has developed a sudden, irrational fear of water (especially the kind that falls from the sky).  Tell her that she's being ridiculous, that it's only sprinkling and that she needs to pee now.  She does not pee, but turns around the second you put her on the grass and runs back inside. 

6- Go put a pee pee pad down on the floor in your bathroom for the dog to pee on. 

7- Attempt to stop the 1 year old from unpacking all of your beautifully packed bags that are still sitting by the door.

8- When the 3 year old asks to help, tell her that she can help by watching the 1 year old.  (She will then say "OK!" and sit on the floor in your room with the 1 year old to play with her.  Appreciate this moment.)

9- Begin carrying the bags out to your car.  You will need to take the double stroller, so there will be some strategy in packing the trunk of your little Ford Focus. 

10- After you have the stroller and larger bags by the trunk of the car, take a moment to assess the situation and visualize how everything will fit best.  About half way through packing the bags into the trunk you will notice a small, chunky baby running out of the garage into the rain...barefoot.  And guess who's running out right behind her?  The (apparently miraculously healed of her water phobia) dog.  The same dog who was acting as if we had acid rain in North Florida is now chasing after the 1 year old and jumping in puddles like she's a puppy.  Meanwhile, of course the rain starts coming down harder and the bags are getting wet. 

11- Screw the systematic approach and throw the rest of the bags into the trunk.

12- Run after the barefoot 1 year old who is now soaked and filthy and is also now running away from you while shrieking with laughter.

13- After you get the 1 year old back into the garage, go back out for the dog who has now apparently gone deaf because she suddenly has no idea what the phrase "Minnie! Get back in the house!!!" means.  As you get the dog, be prepared for the 1 year old to try to escape back out into the rain...it will happen.

14- With the dog under one arm and the 1 year old under the other arm, get back into the house where you will find the 3 year old standing in your room.  Now here's where I'm going to save you the trouble because if you ask her: "Alexa, I thought you were going to help Mommy by watching Kate and Minnie"  she will answer: "I was watching them and then they walked away from me and I couldn't see them anymore."  I have no words.

15- Get the baby cleaned up and put shoes on everyone.

16- Pack up some snacks for the car .  Look up and realize that it stopped raining (probably as soon as you came inside).

17- Tell everyone that it's time to get in the car and, with the bags that contain the car toys on your shoulder, try to herd the children through the garage and out to the car.

18- Spend about 5 minutes getting them into their seats and buckled in.

19- Bring the dog back inside.  Again.  Tell her that she's not coming this time.

20- Grab your purse and keys, lock the door and get into the car.  This is when the 3 year old will ask for a drink...and you realize that her sippy cup is not in the diaper bag.

21- Go back into the house to get the missing sippy cup (which the 1 year old had pulled out of the bag in her attempt to unpack everything).

22- Get back into the car and realize that your phone isn't plugged into the charger and in the cup holder where you keep it.

23- Search frantically for the phone.  Dump out your purse and diaper bag onto the front seat.

24- Go back inside to look for your phone.  (you left it on the kitchen counter)   On your way out, grab some more snacks.

25- Dump your phone and the snacks onto the front seat in the car and go back into the garage to get a Pepsi out of the fridge (because who the hell thought it was a good idea to wake up at 6:45 so that we could leave as soon as the girls got up?!).

26- Go back into the house at least 3 more times for random items that you either forgot or one of the girls said that they need.

26- Drive to the stop sign at the end of your street where you will suddenly remember 2 more things that you forgot.

27- Keep driving.  It's not worth it.