Bird Season, Bitches!!!!!

It all started with a bird. 

Actually, no.  That’s not true.  It really all started with the people around me being terrified of birds and some of their fear rubbing off on me.  I’m trying not to be too easily influenced, but they make logical points.  My friend, Maria, used to drive me to school every day during my first two years of high school.  I specifically remember us driving down Taft street by Rotary Park (where there is a shit ton of electrical wires and therefore, a shit ton of birds) (Can I please insert here that I love the phrase “shit ton”!  I know that it’s a fad phrase but I really feel that it is very descriptive in an almost nondescriptive way.  When people say it, I don’t necessarily picture a ton of shit, but I immediately think ‘oh crap, that’s a lot of _____ (fill in the blank of what you’re talking about)’).  I got side tracked.  OK, driving down Taft Street, lots of birds on wires.  Now picture Maria screaming “ROLL UP THE WINDOWS!!!! THEY’RE GONNA FLY IN THE CAR AND ATTACK US!!!!!”  And then the two of us cranking up the windows as fast as we can because those birds did look like they wanted to peck at two little teenagers.  Oh, and when I said “crank”, I did mean that it was a car that had manual crank windows.  You know, the kind where you had to use both hands and put all of your body weight into it?  I’m just trying to paint you a picture here.  So there was that.  Plus, my sister is pretty terrified of birds.  And she makes equally good points about attacks and pecking.  Plus, birds have feathers.  And beaks.  And scrawny legs…never trust anything with scrawny legs.  So, pretty much, my dislike of birds is a learned behavior.

At work, we have a break room area that contains our lockers, a table and chairs, refrigerator, a bathroom, and a storage cabinet thing.  Everything gets piled up in there, including any holiday decorations.  About a year and a half ago, I was getting my lunch out of the refrigerator, I turned around and there was this big, nasty (fake) crow perched up on top of the cabinet, looking at me. Totally creeped me out.  I swear that the thing was not there the night before and it must have turned to watch me.  What do I do?  I made it my mission to move the crow in a different location every time that I worked to try to creep out other people as well.  At first, I tried to be discreet about it.  I put it on top of the fridge, inside the cabinet, on top of the lockers.  Then I started to get a bit more obnoxious by putting it on the window sill, on the table and on the counter by the sink.  Pretty soon, my friends Denise and Maureen joined in the fun and they moved it to my favorite location which was on a cabinet in the bathroom positioned perfectly so that when you were washing your hands, if you looked into the mirror, it was just over your shoulder staring back at you. Genius!  This went on for several weeks when suddenly, the bird was gone. Someone (I’m pretty sure I know who, but that person shall remain nameless here) apparently was offended by our treatment of the bird and decided enough was enough.  Well.  Apparently, that person did not know who she was dealing with because when the one big bird disappeared, three little birds promptly took its place.  J  There have been birds attached to telephones, birds on car door handles and birds swinging on the insides of lockers (to name a few of my favorites).  When I came back from maternity leave, there was a note, a rice krispie treat, a pepsi and a bird waiting for me on the counter of the nurses’ station. 

About two months ago, Maureen got me two little birds from Hobby Lobby.  I had them in my locker because I kept on forgetting to take them home.  Then, when I was in the waiting room with Kate for her 6 month check up, I get this text:

Denise: CPR needed!!!!!!!!

To which my response was: OMG that is fantastic!!!! I love how the other two are looking at it too.  They're like 'what the hell!  Someone's laid out!'

And then: Ok so after looking at it further, I have decided that the bird on the pumpkin is all like "well shit, now we have to do something about this" and the one in the back is saying "I'm not looking! In not looking! Maybe if I don't see it, I can just quietly walk away!"

Then, a few weeks ago, Denise and Maureen came over to my house and we had a crafting day to make creepy bird wreaths.

The latest part of the bird saga is this little beauty: 

 It’s like one of those pens at the doctors’ office with the huge flowers attached to it…except it’s a bird.  And it’s in attack position.  And it’s perched in a handmade play dough penholder that says simply ‘BEWARE.’  Really, what more could you ask for?  Also, please notice the equally creepy (and equally fake) trach baby on the counter across the nurses’ station.  Now, would you believe that the bird pen disappeared too?!  I may or may not be going to Target (and possibly, Michaels) after work today.  And I also may or may not be donating certain Halloween decorations to the unit.  Possibly some small, black, winged creatures that have black glitter on them.  And do you know why?  Because it’s bird season, bitches!!!!