How To Pack A Car (Alone) With 2 Children In 27 Easy Steps

1- A week before your trip, make multiple lists for every possible item you may need. 

2- Spend every spare moment you have in that preceding week packing the bags and making new lists.

3- The night before you leave, collect your bags by the door and double check your packing skills.  Make a new list of last minute items to be packed in the morning and have yet another bag ready for those things.

4- The morning of your trip, wake up, get the children up and (referring to your final list) pack your last bag.  Go ahead and feel really good about yourself right now and take a moment to let that feeling sink in because this will be your best parenting moment of the day.  Please notice that your best parenting moment did not include children. 

5- Try to take the dog out and realize that it's starting to rain.  Well crap.  You will then have to pick the dog up and put her in the grass because she has developed a sudden, irrational fear of water (especially the kind that falls from the sky).  Tell her that she's being ridiculous, that it's only sprinkling and that she needs to pee now.  She does not pee, but turns around the second you put her on the grass and runs back inside. 

6- Go put a pee pee pad down on the floor in your bathroom for the dog to pee on. 

7- Attempt to stop the 1 year old from unpacking all of your beautifully packed bags that are still sitting by the door.

8- When the 3 year old asks to help, tell her that she can help by watching the 1 year old.  (She will then say "OK!" and sit on the floor in your room with the 1 year old to play with her.  Appreciate this moment.)

9- Begin carrying the bags out to your car.  You will need to take the double stroller, so there will be some strategy in packing the trunk of your little Ford Focus. 

10- After you have the stroller and larger bags by the trunk of the car, take a moment to assess the situation and visualize how everything will fit best.  About half way through packing the bags into the trunk you will notice a small, chunky baby running out of the garage into the rain...barefoot.  And guess who's running out right behind her?  The (apparently miraculously healed of her water phobia) dog.  The same dog who was acting as if we had acid rain in North Florida is now chasing after the 1 year old and jumping in puddles like she's a puppy.  Meanwhile, of course the rain starts coming down harder and the bags are getting wet. 

11- Screw the systematic approach and throw the rest of the bags into the trunk.

12- Run after the barefoot 1 year old who is now soaked and filthy and is also now running away from you while shrieking with laughter.

13- After you get the 1 year old back into the garage, go back out for the dog who has now apparently gone deaf because she suddenly has no idea what the phrase "Minnie! Get back in the house!!!" means.  As you get the dog, be prepared for the 1 year old to try to escape back out into the rain...it will happen.

14- With the dog under one arm and the 1 year old under the other arm, get back into the house where you will find the 3 year old standing in your room.  Now here's where I'm going to save you the trouble because if you ask her: "Alexa, I thought you were going to help Mommy by watching Kate and Minnie"  she will answer: "I was watching them and then they walked away from me and I couldn't see them anymore."  I have no words.

15- Get the baby cleaned up and put shoes on everyone.

16- Pack up some snacks for the car .  Look up and realize that it stopped raining (probably as soon as you came inside).

17- Tell everyone that it's time to get in the car and, with the bags that contain the car toys on your shoulder, try to herd the children through the garage and out to the car.

18- Spend about 5 minutes getting them into their seats and buckled in.

19- Bring the dog back inside.  Again.  Tell her that she's not coming this time.

20- Grab your purse and keys, lock the door and get into the car.  This is when the 3 year old will ask for a drink...and you realize that her sippy cup is not in the diaper bag.

21- Go back into the house to get the missing sippy cup (which the 1 year old had pulled out of the bag in her attempt to unpack everything).

22- Get back into the car and realize that your phone isn't plugged into the charger and in the cup holder where you keep it.

23- Search frantically for the phone.  Dump out your purse and diaper bag onto the front seat.

24- Go back inside to look for your phone.  (you left it on the kitchen counter)   On your way out, grab some more snacks.

25- Dump your phone and the snacks onto the front seat in the car and go back into the garage to get a Pepsi out of the fridge (because who the hell thought it was a good idea to wake up at 6:45 so that we could leave as soon as the girls got up?!).

26- Go back into the house at least 3 more times for random items that you either forgot or one of the girls said that they need.

26- Drive to the stop sign at the end of your street where you will suddenly remember 2 more things that you forgot.

27- Keep driving.  It's not worth it.

The Hunger Games, Princess Style

I promise this will be the last Disney Princess post for awhile.  But this is what the previous princess post would have included had it not been so long.

Most of the time, when I am thinking about something that I want to write about on my blog, I bring it up in conversation with my sister to see how she reacts.  Most of the time my posts are mini versions of 45 minute conversations that we have while I'm driving home from work.  The princess post is no exception...except that half of it was left out.  The awesome half.  Disclaimer: If you don't want to read about princesses taking out other princesses, just stop right now.  While discussing the strengths of Pocahontas, I said that I would love to see Pocahontas and Mulan in a cage fight.  The conversation quickly turned to who would kick who's ass fighting cage fight style until Katie had the most brilliant idea ever.  She said:  "Oh my God!  What if all the princesses were in the Hunger Games?!"

Obviously, we are going Hunger Games 1 style with the cornucopia.  Everyone must be in their natural forms (that means no turning into a frog and hiding in a swamp, Tiana).  No weapons or animal friends are allowed to enter the arena with the princess, but as in the Hunger Games, there will be helpful items at the cornucopia.  Elsa is not participating because she would just freeze everyone right away and win. And what fun is that?  So.  Let's begin.  May the odds be ever in your favor!

OK, so Ariel is obviously the first to go.  I don't know if she comes up into the arena in a tank of water or just sitting on the ground but either way she would probably wave excitedly at the other girls right before Pocahontas harpoons her ass.  I like to think that the Gamemakers put the harpoon by Pokey just for entertainment purposes.  Upset by Ariel being the first out?  Don't be.  As one of Katie's friends put it: Let's face it, she was a sitting duck...or fish.  Thank you, Kara.  OK, now that Ariel is impaled, the other girls get running.  More timid princesses to the woods, bad ass bitches to the cornucopia.  Just for argument's sake, we are going to assume that Jasmine, Pokey, Mulan and Merida are careers and have formed an alliance.  They are the ones that go to the cornucopia, they are the ones that everyone else is running from.  They thought about letting Tiana into their little group.  (You know, so that they could cover all ethnic backgrounds.)  But they decided that she didn't have much to offer in terms of hard core combat skills.  Anyway, back to the games.  Cindy and Belle are the next to go.  Cindy can't run very well due to her lack of toes so Belle and Anna try to help her.  Cindy goes down first which causes Belle to stare in horror (and then fall herself) and Anna to run away (What? She's Norwegian.  And, while idealistic, she's pretty fiesty.).

Snow White and Aurora decide to stick together.  They discovered in training that they both share a love for the woods and animals.  And also that they both have names that nobody (or very few people) actually know.  I'm sure Aurora finds it highly irritating that people think her actual name is Sleeping Beauty and is Snow White's real name Snow White?!  Who does that to their kid?  OK, so they hang out for a little bit and then Snow finds some awesome looking fruit which she insists on trying and guess what...they're poisonous.  Aurora walks away shaking her head and muttering that Snow never learns her lessons and walks right into a bush full of needle-like thorns.  Damn it, Aurora.

Are you wondering what happened to Anna?  Well after the careers got Cindy and Belle, she thought about it a little bit more and decided that if she could just talk to the BAB's (bad ass bitches) she could convince them to all work together and save Arendelle.  I mean the Hunger Games.  Yeah, that didn't work out to well for her.

Tiana is next to go.  She finds what she thinks is a swamp but it's actually the bank of a river.  And guess who was coming just around the river bend?  That's right.  Our favorite Native American and her weapon wielding friends, Mulan and Merida.  We are assuming that the cornucopia had a canoe, swords and a bow and arrow.  There's no competition between that and a girl wading in the water.

Speaking of the cornucopia.  Jasmine got stuck guarding it when the other BABs realized that she's not much use without her tiger.  Unfortunately for her, there was a tiger there.  Jasmine thought it was Rajah, so after the other girls left in their canoe, she opened the cage and gave him a big hug.  It wasn't Rajah.

Rapunzel, having watched all of that from high up in the nearby trees, decided that it was time to pick out her own weapon and get something to eat.  She looted the now unguarded cornucopia, taking all the available food and of course, a frying pan.  She ate extremely well that night but didn't quite realize that the wonderful smell of her cooking (and campfire) would give away her location.  She put up a pretty good fight with the frying pan but in the end, Merida's long range with the bow and arrow took her out.

When the BAB's realized they were the only one's left, they obviously turned on each other.  Mulan and Merida brought down Pokey because they no longer needed her canoe rowing or navigational skills.  As for the last two, I can't decide who would win.  Mulan has a sword and combat experience while Merida has a bow and arrow and you can't deny the fact that she's wrestled with a bear.  I don't know.  I think Merida might win.  What do you think?

My Genius Idea

When I was in nursing school, one of the books that we had to purchase was a pocket DSM-IV.  For those of you who don't know, the DSM-IV is pretty much a manual for diagnosing mental disorders.  One of my absolute favorite things to do in nursing school was (I'm gonna sound really dorky right now) to try to diagnose every single person I knew with something in that book.  You see, I have a working theory that we all have a little crazy in us.  Whether it's anxiety, depression, a mood disorder, psychosis...everyone has a little chemical imbalance.  Nobody's brain is perfect.  (Please do not take this in any way as down-playing any kind of mental illness.  The diseases described in the DSM-IV are just that, diseases.  They are, most of the time, chronic illnesses that, like any other chronic illness ex: diabetes, asthma, etc., require life long treatment.  Sorry.  That was Nurse Kristin talking.  I felt the need to make a disclaimer.)  So, I found great entertainment in trying to figure out what certain people had.  As you can imagine, some people were super easy to attach many different diagnosis to.  While others proved to be a little more difficult.

So, I had a moment of genius at work a few weeks ago.  I was talking to my friend, Crystal (who happens to be just as awkward as I am, but in different ways, so I find that my personal craziness is free to come out a little bit more when I'm around her), and I decided that the world would be a much better place if everyone had an idea about everyone else's little quirks.  Medical alert bracelets have saved lives!  It's a quick and easy way to know if someone has a chronic illness.  Wouldn't it be awesome to have a similar thing for mental illnesses?!  OK, I know that sounds kind of crazy in itself, but before you start jumping to conclusions, hear me out.  You know that person in your life who is a little bit different?  He/she is probably one of the nicest people you know but sometimes he says some strange things, or maybe people just don't get him.  Or maybe, he might seem completely appropriate on the outside but you know (because you're such an awesome friend) that he's really hurting on the inside.  And sometimes people treat him badly or look at him strange or roll their eyes at him or something like that, and that really makes you mad because you know how super cool he really is if they would just look past the quirky stuff.  Raise your hand if you know that person.  Good.  Now raise your hand if that person is you.  Very good.  Acceptance is the first step (well, maybe not the first step, but it's one of those steps).   Now, think about your "friend" again (Notice that "friend" is now in quotations.  This is because we have already established that this "friend" is really you.).  You don't do any of those negative things to him (partially) because you have insight into why he says what he says (or how he says it, or how he acts...you get the picture).

Now, keeping all of that in mind, do you remember name plates?  Here's a picture:

How wonderful would it be if everyone had a nameplate necklace but instead of having their name on it, they had their diagnosis!  Again, give it a chance.  It's just a way for other people to understand where you're coming from.  And if you have more than one diagnosis, you can have links down between each one.  Or, if you choose, you can group them all together.  For example, my dad's would say simply "head trauma".  Enough said!  So when he starts being loud and boisterous and trying to make friends with every person he comes in contact with...or even when he starts talking to someone about the red light cameras or the express lane on 95 in Miami, the person he's talking to can just casually glance down, see that he's had a head trauma and just go with it!  I would be one of those people with multiple links, but I don't have to have them all.  Mine would say "social anxiety" and then below it would be "OCD".  (Reality really strikes home with that one when your three year old tells your husband "No, Daddy, that doesn't go there.  The castle princesses go in the light pink bin and the other princesses go in the dark pink bin and the princess dress up stuff goes in the pink cloth bin".  It all makes perfect sense to me.)  Anyway, back to my personal nameplates.  Whenever I say something strange or awkward or whenever I have the inability to say anything at all, people will understand why.  Now you kind of want one, don't you?!

Another disclaimer:  I realize all of the political crap that would go along with this.  And yes, I would be super mad if we were all forced to wear our psychiatric misgivings on our chest for all the world to see.  But if you're reading this, you should already know that you can't take half of what I say seriously.  But, you have to admit that the whole nameplate thing would be extremely useful...and entertaining!

Why I Am Completely OK With My Kids Wanting To Be A Disney Princess

I've recently noticed a trend of links on facebook, etc. about the horrors of the Disney Princesses and how some people are adamant about not wanting their daughters to idolize them.  As someone who grew up with Disney and the princesses (at least the old school ones) and as a mother of a three year old who is 100% obsessed with Rapunzel, I'm going to go ahead and say that they're not that bad.  And before I even start, I'm going to give the disclaimer that I didn't see Brave or Frozen yet (although I heard that Frozen is fantastic and I'm super excited to see it...when it comes out on DVD...because I'm too cheap to see it in a theater), so I can not give a true opinion on those girls (I hear that they are all bad asses!).

Yes, I know that they all find their prince and fall in love, blah blah blah.  Every princess story is a love story (or at least has a component of love story in it).  But really, what's wrong with a love story as long as it's a strong woman who is falling in love?!  And people can be strong in different ways.  Trust me.  I grew up surrounded by strong women.  On both sides of my family and with most of our family friends, the women are in charge.  Not that the men are push overs...it's good to have an intellectual argument...as long as you know, in the end, that I (being the woman) am going to win.  They do it in different ways.  Sometimes it's super obvious who is making all the decisions and other times (this is my favorite kind) it's done with a quiet sarcasm that you wouldn't even notice unless you were paying very close attention.  Thanks to my mom and all of those other positive female influences, I grew up knowing the order of life (go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, put furniture in that house - and then you can have a baby) and I knew that if I felt that domestic life was not for me, it was OK because "I do not need a man to validate myself as a person!"  I'm getting off track here.  Back to the princesses.  While, I admit that some of them are a little odd, each of them definitely have some kick ass skills (except for one, but I'll get to her later).  So.  From the beginning...

Snow White - OK, so these early princesses are a little bit demur for my liking.  But if you think about it, Snow White does make it through the forest so she has to have some pretty decent survival skills.  She can talk to animals, which is always a plus.  I mean, I suppose anyone can talk to an animal.  But in her case, the animals listen and obey.  If I could get some deer and rabbits to help me clean my house, I'd be all about it.  The birds can stay out.  She lives with 7 men.  At first you may think it's some weird reversed polygamy type of thing where the woman has multiple husbands.  But then you realize that she may be all about helping out little people, which is an awesome little philanthropic effort she has going on.  She can reach things on the top shelves so that Dopey doesn't have to sit on Happy's shoulders all the time.  Really, her only downfall is that she ate an apple from a stranger.   Really?!  Who does that?!

Cinderella - Again, Cinderella is not my one of my favorites.  She obviously has no toes which is why she can never keep shoes on her feet.  I'm surprised that she can make it up all of those stairs to her room.  But does she let a strange (probably genetic) deformity stop her?  No.  She pretty much runs the household because her lazy ass stepmother and stepsisters are worthless.  And organization is a good quality to have.  You can't get all of that work done without a system and you can't be a bad ass princess without being organized.  She also has animals that do her bidding, which seems to be a common theme in these early princess movies.  Her animals friends are mostly mice and birds, which is weird and creepy, but I guess beggars can't be choosers when it comes to free tailoring.  She is smart enough to keep the one shoe that actually stays on her foot.  And in the end, she pretty much gets to bitch slap her stepmother and stepsisters.

Aurora - Aurora has those typical early princess qualities of being an animal whisperer and knowing which berries in the forest won't kill you.  She has an awesome singing voice which she uses to her advantage.  (And there is nothing wrong with knowing your assets.)  I think it's strange that she never thought it was weird that she lived in a little cottage with three middle aged women, but, I suppose if she never knew anything else, she wouldn't know to question it.

Ariel - OK.  So I used to really like Ariel...until I started thinking about this post.  I seriously can't think of a good, positive quality that Ariel possesses.  First of all, she's way to young to be falling in love, running away from home and most importantly, getting married.  Aurora was 16 too, but at least she didn't get married right away (right?).  Anyways, back to Ariel.  You could say that she's adventurous, which is true, but it sometimes comes off as defiant.  She wants to do the right thing, even though it's not the status quo.  And she saves a human from drowning, which I appreciate her being kind to a species that is not her own.  (There.  A good quality)  But she gives up her greatest asset (her voice) without even being prepared.  No sign language, no pen and paper, nothing.  I do like that she's a red head and that she's ballsy enough to rock the sea shell bra.

Belle - One of my favorites!!!  She's a reader, she sacrifices her own well being to free her father and she is not too entirely freaked out by inanimate objects talking to her.  She totally stands up to the Beast and even yells at him from time to time.  Plus, she falls in love with him despite his scary exterior.  I want to be her.  Minus the lifetime imprisonment.

Jasmine - I'm not gonna lie, I haven't seen Aladdin (or Pochahontas) in years.  Jasmine really stepped up the whole animal friendship thing by having a pet tiger.  I feel like that fact alone makes her a real bad-ass.  And she doesn't even have any disfiguring tiger bite scars!  She wears pants, which is cool.  And, I'm pretty sure that even though the pants are billowy, she's got some hips.  Just like Belle, she falls in love with someone who is not typical prince material.  Except this time, instead of ugly and rich, she goes for cute and homeless.  She seems pretty independent, so I'm assuming she made Aladdin sign a pre-nump (which obviously would give her all rights to any magic lamps, genies and flying carpets).

Pocahontas - I feel like if the princesses had a fitness competition, Pocahontas would win, hands down.  When you row that much in a canoe, you have to be building up some major upper body strength.  Pocahontas is cool because she can totally survive completely on her own.  She wants to make her own decisions about who she should marry and what she should do with her life.  I feel like if Disney were to remake the Pocahontas movie, it should be full of Beyonce songs.  And Just Around the River Bend.  You can't take that out.

Mulan -  OK, Mulan.  Weird, awkward and doesn't fit in.  Already I like her.  She cross-dresses and goes to war, which, I admit, the cross dressing is strange.  But she gets to carry a sword and ends up proving herself to be one of the most bad-ass princesses there is.  Bonus!  She ends up getting the guy that is much hotter than any other guy in the movie and she does so by being her true bad-ass self!

Tiana - Tiana is all about working hard to get what you want, which is awesome because even as a princess, things are not just handed to you.  Yes, she spends some time as a frog but it helps her to find a prince, so I guess it's worth it.  Also, in addition to being a great cook, she's a decent business woman.  No complaints.

Rapunzel - Oh Rapunzel.  Locked up in a tower for 18 years and instead of sitting on her ass, she reads, paints, plays guitar, knits, cooks, does puzzles, plays darts, bakes, does paper mache, ballet, chess, pottery, ventriloquy, makes candles, stretches, climbs, and sews dresses (can you tell I've seen this movie a couple thousand times?).  She's essentially the biggest overachiever I've seen.  She's super creative and I love that her weapon of choice is a frying pan.  She stands up to the bitch that kidnapped her and ends up trying to sacrifice herself for someone she loves.  It looks like Flynn is saving her, but she is most definitely saving him.  Talk about independence.  Plus, she can totally pull off both the blonde and brunette looks...very hard to do.

So, essentially, if Alexa and Kate want to be like the Disney princesses, I'm all about it!

Skinny Jeans

I had a very strange experience while shopping for jeans the other day.  First of all, let me say that the last time I went shopping for...well, any kind of clothing for myself...was right after Alexa was born.  And I'm pretty sure my mom bought me the jeans I got then.  Anyway, fast forward three years.  Those post-Alexa jeans are too short (who would have thought, right?), so now it's cold out and I don't have any jeans that fit.  My first disappointment was walking into the store and realizing that they don't have a section for 'I just stopped breastfeeding and immediately gained 5-10 pounds'.  What the hell.  OK, so obviously I need to change my approach.  That's OK, I can adapt...or so I thought.  It took me about 10 minutes to find a pair of jeans that were not labeled "skinny".  I'm sorry, what?  I mean, I'm not completely out of it, I knew about skinny jeans. I was just unaware of the sheer quantity of them and the complete lack of anything else!  In one store I was in, they not only had skinny jeans, they had "super skinny" jeans.  Who wears those?  I'm serious.  Who is their target marketing group?  Because I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that 98% of women are not shaped like 9 year old boys, and therefore, would look horrible in skinny (and especially super skinny) jeans.  I know, there is always that group of outliers.  That strange group of women who's thighs don't rub together.  And trust me, I'm kind of jealous of the lack of chaffing that you experience.  But for the large majority of us, we need real jeans that fit real women.  And I don't mean skinny jeans that are labeled "curvy" with a "mid rise waist and roomy through the hip and thigh".  Skinny jeans with a curvy fit is an oxymoron.  Speaking of oxymorons... skinny jeans in any size above a 4 is an oxymoron also.  I know, I know.  There are some super tall girls who wear larger sizes and yet are proportioned so that skinny jeans actually look really good on them.  Now before you start thinking 'Oh yeah, that is totally me.  I look fantastic in my skinny jeans!', if you are shorter than 5'9'', it's not you.  Go ahead and absorb that fact and then go buy yourself some new pants.  This is tough love, people, tough love.  I am here for all of my fellow big-butted women, trying to save you from looking nasty.  And please don't think that I'm calling anybody fat or saying for anyone to loose weight in order to be able to fit into those jeans.  I have a butt and I always will.  I like my ass.  It looks good.  I mean, the flab to muscle ratio is a little bit skewed in the wrong direction after having two kids, but I'm working on that.  And just because I like the butt I have, doesn't mean that I need to be squeezing it into a pair of jeans that makes me look like _____ (I was going to write here a description of what the jeans look like on me but it's indescribable.  There are no words).

Do you know who the real genius in all this is?  The guy (or girl) who first saw skinny jeans on a runway somewhere and decided "Yes! We can sell these to everyday women".  I feel like there was probably a down-to-earth assistant (probably with mildly wavy brown hair and glasses) who was like "Sir, everyday women won't look good in those jeans.  They were made for the super skinny models to wear."  And then the guy was like "I know!  That's what makes it so perfect!  We call them 'skinny jeans' and everyone will think that they make them look skinny! They will sell like crazy!  Then we can sit back and watch all the young women and teenage girls in America prance around with these horrible jeans on!  It will be hilarious!!!  Muahhhahahahaha!"  (That last part was his evil laugh...I didn't say that he was nice, just that he was a genius.)  The genius part about of this is that it actually worked!  And it obviously made this guy super rich. So, to the random rich skinny jean selling guy out there somewhere: good job.  To his assistant:  You are a failure.  Maybe you need to make a different career choice.  Perhaps something behind a desk.  In a cubicle.  To all of you ladies who need to now buy some new pants: good luck and don't give in to the 'skinny' label.  And finally, to Alexa and Kate:  with the families that you come from, there is no hope of tiny butts or thighs in your future.  But that's OK!!!  You have two of the cutest butts I have ever seen in my life!!!!  But we have to keep it classy so don't ever expect to see any kind of skinny jeans in our house.  Ever.

Bird Season, Bitches!!!!!

It all started with a bird. 

Actually, no.  That’s not true.  It really all started with the people around me being terrified of birds and some of their fear rubbing off on me.  I’m trying not to be too easily influenced, but they make logical points.  My friend, Maria, used to drive me to school every day during my first two years of high school.  I specifically remember us driving down Taft street by Rotary Park (where there is a shit ton of electrical wires and therefore, a shit ton of birds) (Can I please insert here that I love the phrase “shit ton”!  I know that it’s a fad phrase but I really feel that it is very descriptive in an almost nondescriptive way.  When people say it, I don’t necessarily picture a ton of shit, but I immediately think ‘oh crap, that’s a lot of _____ (fill in the blank of what you’re talking about)’).  I got side tracked.  OK, driving down Taft Street, lots of birds on wires.  Now picture Maria screaming “ROLL UP THE WINDOWS!!!! THEY’RE GONNA FLY IN THE CAR AND ATTACK US!!!!!”  And then the two of us cranking up the windows as fast as we can because those birds did look like they wanted to peck at two little teenagers.  Oh, and when I said “crank”, I did mean that it was a car that had manual crank windows.  You know, the kind where you had to use both hands and put all of your body weight into it?  I’m just trying to paint you a picture here.  So there was that.  Plus, my sister is pretty terrified of birds.  And she makes equally good points about attacks and pecking.  Plus, birds have feathers.  And beaks.  And scrawny legs…never trust anything with scrawny legs.  So, pretty much, my dislike of birds is a learned behavior.

At work, we have a break room area that contains our lockers, a table and chairs, refrigerator, a bathroom, and a storage cabinet thing.  Everything gets piled up in there, including any holiday decorations.  About a year and a half ago, I was getting my lunch out of the refrigerator, I turned around and there was this big, nasty (fake) crow perched up on top of the cabinet, looking at me. Totally creeped me out.  I swear that the thing was not there the night before and it must have turned to watch me.  What do I do?  I made it my mission to move the crow in a different location every time that I worked to try to creep out other people as well.  At first, I tried to be discreet about it.  I put it on top of the fridge, inside the cabinet, on top of the lockers.  Then I started to get a bit more obnoxious by putting it on the window sill, on the table and on the counter by the sink.  Pretty soon, my friends Denise and Maureen joined in the fun and they moved it to my favorite location which was on a cabinet in the bathroom positioned perfectly so that when you were washing your hands, if you looked into the mirror, it was just over your shoulder staring back at you. Genius!  This went on for several weeks when suddenly, the bird was gone. Someone (I’m pretty sure I know who, but that person shall remain nameless here) apparently was offended by our treatment of the bird and decided enough was enough.  Well.  Apparently, that person did not know who she was dealing with because when the one big bird disappeared, three little birds promptly took its place.  J  There have been birds attached to telephones, birds on car door handles and birds swinging on the insides of lockers (to name a few of my favorites).  When I came back from maternity leave, there was a note, a rice krispie treat, a pepsi and a bird waiting for me on the counter of the nurses’ station. 

About two months ago, Maureen got me two little birds from Hobby Lobby.  I had them in my locker because I kept on forgetting to take them home.  Then, when I was in the waiting room with Kate for her 6 month check up, I get this text:

Denise: CPR needed!!!!!!!!

To which my response was: OMG that is fantastic!!!! I love how the other two are looking at it too.  They're like 'what the hell!  Someone's laid out!'

And then: Ok so after looking at it further, I have decided that the bird on the pumpkin is all like "well shit, now we have to do something about this" and the one in the back is saying "I'm not looking! In not looking! Maybe if I don't see it, I can just quietly walk away!"

Then, a few weeks ago, Denise and Maureen came over to my house and we had a crafting day to make creepy bird wreaths.

The latest part of the bird saga is this little beauty: 

 It’s like one of those pens at the doctors’ office with the huge flowers attached to it…except it’s a bird.  And it’s in attack position.  And it’s perched in a handmade play dough penholder that says simply ‘BEWARE.’  Really, what more could you ask for?  Also, please notice the equally creepy (and equally fake) trach baby on the counter across the nurses’ station.  Now, would you believe that the bird pen disappeared too?!  I may or may not be going to Target (and possibly, Michaels) after work today.  And I also may or may not be donating certain Halloween decorations to the unit.  Possibly some small, black, winged creatures that have black glitter on them.  And do you know why?  Because it’s bird season, bitches!!!!

...but her farts gave her away.

Did you ever notice that your own poop doesn't smell as bad as anyone else's poop?  Yeah, now I have you thinking!  You know that you can sit in the bathroom for a half hour with no problem but as soon as you walk in right after someone else is done...BAM! You're choking.  I find that the same is true for my girls.  I mean, I don't think their poop smells all that bad.  Nick, on the other hand, can't even handle himself half the time when Alexa has a pull-up poop.


Speaking of poop.  Alexa and I have had many recent poop conversations.  These are just some of my favorites:


Alexa: "I'm gonna flush the potty like this (still sitting on the potty, she leaned back to flush), that's how Mommy does it when she poops". 

Me: "Yes.  That's what we call a courtesy flush"

Alexa: "Courtesy flush?"

Me: "Yuppers"


Me: (after Alexa had one small poop in the potty) "Why don't you sit there a little bit longer.  I think you still might have some poop in your bottom.  Poops like to hang out together, there's rarely just one little one.  They usually have friends."

Alexa: "Friends?"

Me: "Yeah. Unless you have a really healthy poop.  Then it comes out as one big one.  All the friends are holding hands"

Alexa: (a few days later, as I am sitting on the toilet) "Mommy, your poops are all holding hands?"

Me: "Yuppers"


Sorry, it's been awhile since I've had a poop related post and I feel like I need to fill some kind of poop post quota.  Because as my grandpa always said "She thinks her shit don't stink..."